I've never been that much of a self-help person. I don't really have a stigma about it, but I suppose I just (naively) thought that I didn't need a book to help me work out my problems. Right? Not so much. Here enters The 20 Something Manifesto, a book that I have been shamelessly recommending to everyone ever since I first read it a few months ago.
It doesn't preach at you, or talk about lots of oooey-gooey new-agey stuff, or read like something Oprah would recommend. It's by a young person (I think she's about 33 now) and the meat of the book consists of short essays by twentysomethings about their own experiences, accompanied by the author's commentary. Little submitted quotes are sprinkled throughout the book, and I was surprised that I could relate to nearly all of them.
Before breaking down and buying this book (along with a few others) I would joke about how I was going through a Quarterlife Crisis, but it became apparent that it wasn't a joke, I actually was dealing with one. Finishing grad school recently was both scary and exciting, because although it's a great accomplishment, here I am in the world without school as a cushion for the first time in my life. In the last two years I went through an enormous upheaval and tons of changes, most of which I was not prepared for. I graduated college, got married, moved several hours away from everyone I knew, and my partner jumped right into his career while I started grad school. We went from having a few bills in college to having tons of freaking bills and became completely independent from our parents. We thought this town couldn't possibly be that much different from Wilmington (we were spoiled throughout college-- Wilmington has a great arts and music scene) and experienced an enormous Expectation Hangover™ when we realized that the new town was just the opposite. This is how an Expectation Hangover is described by one person in the book:
"It feels like a dull pain in my chest. It's the terrible disappointment I've felt when faced with the results of my decisions and has led to some depression, much anxiety, and a lot of introspection. I would say during these Hangovers I am motivated towards change-- but the scary part is seeing how to make the change and also seeing the obstacles in the way, mainly being the opinion of family and loved ones. These obstacles can make what seems to be a simple fix a much more complicated process." (Hassler, 32).If that sounds familiar, you are so not alone. I was shocked by how many people in my age group are slightly lost, overwhelmed, depressed, or at the very least just plain stressed about what they're supposed to be doing.
"Our culture really focuses on youth and success, and many of us feel that we have to be fabulously successful by age thirty or we're failures. I think we forget that lives don't have to follow a single path... Many people don't become successful until they're older, which makes a lot of sense." -- Graduate student, 25, dating, New Jersey (Hassler, 44).One of the best things that I took from the Manifesto is that comparing yourself to other people is an absolute dead-end habit. We have such a tendency to do that; she's more successful than me because of her job, where she lives, whatever. Lady Gaga is younger than me, but it makes no sense for me to compare myself to her because (obviously) we're on completely different tracks! So why should it be any different with people that I actually know?
It took reading about other people's experiences to make me realize that I just needed to do what I wanted to do and stop worrying so much. I spent the past year worrying about getting a job after school, while at the same time knowing that I wasn't quite ready for a full-time librarian job at this point. I felt like the world would end and everything I worked for would fall apart if I didn't get a position right out of school and jump into my career head first. The idea of Jeremy as a travel nurse was both exciting and terrifying for us-- we would have to travel lightly, move frequently, and would be on our own even more-- but I couldn't shake the feeling that I would never find a librarian job if I took time off after grad school. But traveling is such a huge opportunity and seems to have come along at the perfect time, so we would be crazy not to go for it. I finally realized it's okay to do something that wasn't originally in my plan-- a huge deal for someone who obsessively plans things as much as I do.
"During my Expectation Hangover, every day it seemed like something would go wrong or not work out for me. It would seem that my needs were not being met. In actuality it was me not accepting the position that life had put me in. I was fighting the present and trying to regain the past, which only made everyone around me suffer-- including me." Teacher, 25, serious relationship, Illinois (Hassler, 45).
I think every twentysomething can relate to this. Every decision you make right now feels huge and important and you think if you do the wrong thing everything will fall apart and you'll be miserable forever. It's not true! You have to make yourself go for something scary and different and trust that your life will keep going. You probably know deep down what will make you happy-- moving to a bigger city, switching jobs, going back to school, making a career out of a hobby. We all have a fear of failure, and god knows I've heard this advice given a million times in my adult life but it's only been relevant to me now-- you really do have to try things, no matter how scary they are, and you have to make a conscious choice to be happy and accept what life gives you.
"It seems like every decision you make in your twenties is the most important decision of your life. It's like you're standing at many crossroads, and they're all beckoning you to take a risk." -- Writer, 26, serious relationship, Texas (Hassler, xxiv).
You can poke around at Christine Hassler's blog here for some quick inspiration, and pick up The 20 Something Manifesto if any of this sounds familiar.
Hassler, Christine. The 20 Something Manifesto: Quarter-lifers Speak Out About Who They
Are, What They Want, and How to Get It. Novato: New World Library, 2008. Print.
I had to read a self help book for a junior high health class and felt like such a dork, but this book sounds really inspiring, honest, and helpful. I'm only recently a 20-something (but when you start college a lot of those MAJOR decisions start to get made, so I feel like I've been in the mentality since age 18), but I definitely can relate to half the issues brought up here. I've always been overly forward thinking so of course I'm constantly planning ahead for something better, my next move for my "perfect" life. Either I don't get what I want (and try and reconcile it with that lame "everything happens for a reason" idea) or it isn't what I wanted in the end (it doesn't surprise me that what I wanted at age 17 has shifted dramatically now that I'm 20, but constantly questioning transferring colleges is so nagging, I wish I had known myself better at 17). I frequently experience expectation hangover, I'm trying to tone it down and be more realistic. Part of the reason why I had such grandiose ideals for how everything was going to work out was because of the other detrimental topic, comparing myself to other people. I would hear how people met the loves of their lives in the sophomore year of college, so when I didn't I felt like something was wrong with me. I would watch movies where the 28 year old characters still had friends from when they were in college and yet when I found my best friends from freshman year drifting away after just 3 semesters, I would get nervous. So much of my life was dictated by the media and what it said my life was meant to be like as a college student, by my friends lives, by the my parents expectations, by my own fantasies when really it was nothing like that. reality wasn't necessarily worse, but it was a wake up call that my life is my own life not something on Gilmore Girls for a reason. Of course, now I'm struggling with what I want to do with that life in the face of my pushy practical parents, ugg another hurdle.
ReplyDeleteEver since I turned 25 a month ago, I have been having more serious than normal problems dealing with life. I also started a new job that I thought would be great but has found me more depressed than ever in an insanely short time.
ReplyDeleteI've done therapy in the past but I guess it didn't work/it's insanely expensive.
I guess what I'm saying is that even though I KNOW everyone else my age is struggling (well, I am simply told by the media and books like this that they are), social media (not movies, but real people) seem to prove otherwise. I had to delete my twitter and I'm close to deleting facebook because I can't deal with the status updates of "friends" who seem to be having the best lives ever.
Maybe we are all just kidding ourselves.
Tess: Exactly! I plan, plan, plan and then freak out when something doesn't work out properly or another option comes along. I've been planning out my steps since I was in college-- graduate, get married, grad school, apply to jobs, librarian-- and everything has been so strict and regimented, and when I realized I didn't actually want the end result of all that planning at this point in my life, I didn't know what to do. I had to actually have several months full of panic and crying and depression before I realized that it's okay if I do something different for a while.
ReplyDeleteI think it's so strange-- society expects twentysomethings to do lots of crazy partying and traveling while at the same time finding out exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life and finding a position in that field and becoming wildly successful by the time you're thirty. You're also supposed to find the love of your life and settle down and have kids. We're supposed to figure out how to do it all, and it's created this whole generation of people (us) who are breaking down because of the pressure.
I've been guilty of doing that same thing, getting nervous about not having tons of friends.. you know what freaked me out one day? Watching an episode from the first season of Friends and realizing that they were 25. WHAT!
There's a whole section on how to deal with the expectations of your parents, I really think you should give this book a shot. I normally don't push things like this, but it is so incredibly comforting to know that this is how everyone feels. We're just not supposed to talk about it.
Hails: That's been my issue too, I never had a problem with getting older until a couple of months before my 25th birthday. And then suddenly I felt like I should have accomplished so much more than I have, and started worrying that I was wasting time, and all of the issues that had been nagging at me for a while exploded.
One thing I've learned from twitter and facebook is that most people want to project a glossy, slightly glamorous image of themselves. I've been guilty of doing it, and you can usually tell when someone is being a bit glossy about things, but I guess I just feel like that's part of the fun of it. I can see how it's horribly depressing when you're in a bad place, though. And I know I'm like push push push about this book, but you might find the Work/Career section more helpful than you would think-- it really helped my partner, who has been under the most ridiculous stress and depression because of his job. It also emphasizes that the whole "do what you're passionate about!" thing is kind of bullshit, to an extent. People get so hung up on finding something they're "passionate" about but every job/career has pitfalls and stress. I guess the point is just that you should find something that doesn't take away your quality of life. The goal is to come home from work and still feel great and want to do things you love-- it's great if your job can intersect with something you really really care about and love doing, but it's not a requirement.
I don't comment much, but I always read your blog and so I thought I would say hello and that I know how you're feeling, too! I am 23 and about to graduate from an undergraduate degree that I don't have any love for, and wondering, maybe it would have been better to quit two years ago and try something different rather than try and slog through the next years, hating the decision I had made but feeling that I was stuck and couldn't get out. I can't wait to finish but have no idea what will come next - terrifying! And I always turn my nose up at self help books, too, so many of them are bollocks (I work in a book store) but sometimes all you need is a little quiet inspiration to get you back on track. I'm sure everything will work out for you!
ReplyDeletenow that you mention that it DOESN'T push that bullshit "do what you love", I might have to make a trip to the Borders today.
ReplyDeleteBecause that is something that has bugged me for years. The world/country/universe, is not set up for EVERYONE to have their dream job. Somebody has to work the night shifts. And if that somebody is me, who am I to say I'm lucky enough to get my "dream job"?
broom people: Hello! :D I recently quit my job at a bookstore, but I totally know what you mean about being bombarded by so many terrible self help books! I think there are a few hidden gems, though, like this one and a couple of others. But out of the three quarterlife crises-related books that I bought, this was the only one that really stood out-- the others were kind of generic and blah.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, my best friend was/is going through something super similar to what you mentioned. That nagging feeling of regret is the worst part about this whole thing. It sounds so eyeroll-inducing when you're in the middle of it, but once you come to terms with your Expectation Hangover (I feel a little silly using the terminology, but it's a pretty good phrase!) it makes it so much easier to just accept it and move on. It took me a year and a half of regretting our move here for me to finally realize that.
It sounds like I should get my hands on this.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, I had no idea there was a book about this. After grad school I was going through very much the same thing. A coworker (at my part-time, not what I was expecting out of adulthood job) who had just gone through that shift called it The Pause - that moment when your life shifts and you have to catch your breath before you can tackle the next phase. Personally, it helped me to know I wasn't the only one going through this. But, my best advice should be: It is never too late to get back on the horse and try your hand at what you want to be. It may be a little harder than it would've been right away, but it is NOT impossible.
ReplyDeleteTry something you think you'll like and if you don't, you can try something else till you find a good fit. It helped me to make lists of my options and pro/con each choice and how they might fit with my long range plan for life. And, if none of my options at the moment fit in "the plan" I could pick the best one and then revisit them - not getting complacent but not worrying over a choice I had little control over. Eventually, my long range plan evolved as I grew up and realized what I wanted.
I wish you great good luck in this!
i recently borrowed a copy of the book, read the first bit, actually resolved my expectation hangover, returned the book, and forgot all about it until someone posted an article about 20-somethings on fb http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1
ReplyDeletethe article mentioned the book, and i suddenly remembered there was supposed to be a forum or something, so i googled around and came across your blog.
but WOW, your post was like the summary of my life in a nutshell. i just finished grad school, just took on a full time (contracted) job, and then basically fell to pieces emotionally.
i remember being at my wits end, because all my life there had been a road to follow (get good grades, score well in nationals, move up to a better school, repeat the process), and thrown into the working world, i found myself completely lost. it felt like the map i had achieved success with was suddenly useless, and that school dropouts, people less qualified, people who quit school to set up a family -- all these people who my friends used to look down upon as beneath us -- was suddenly better than me, because they were veterans when it came to Real Life. i felt like i wasted my life getting an education, when these so-called loosers had their priorities right the whole time, and that i'd never have time to catch up to them.
around that time, my other grad friends and i were also joking about a quarterlife crisis, but none of us seriously believe we were going through it. all we knew is that we were sluggish, disillusioned and stuck. all we knew how to do was study. for over 20 years we had been perfecting our craft, but now it was useless, and we were retarded beings in an alien world.
a lot of the sluggishness, and despair disappeared after reading the (first half of) the book. i LOVE the idea of 'expectation hangover' because it provides a way out of that emotional turmoil. i'm happier now, much more accepting of myself and my job, and much more at peace.
i cant say i've come unstuck. when i confront the future, i still feel like i'm at a crossroad with too many junctions (and each of them permanantly lifechanging). and when i do think about it i get a little panicky. but it is reassuring to know i'm not alone. :)